Freeze Sucka

Boredom got the best of me this past Friday. I worked for a couple of hours, then switched between reading and the television as the internal struggle of mindless enjoyment fought with imagination like two kids fighting over the swing set on a school playground. I resigned myself to getting out for a while and driving around. This lasted all of about three miles as I pulled in to an empty spot at the local mall. I had no agenda, no plan of action save for the wondering around and killing time. This is where my powers of perception hit.

Have you ever notice the swagger that accompanies all law enforcement personal? You find it in every echelon of power, from the "high and mighty" federal agents, to the lowly mall security guards. It appears to be a combination of a model's booty shaking with an Olympic speed walkers form. Arms swing from side to side, increasing speed as the footsteps build. Hips swishing as they perfect the intimidation stare on passing store front windows. How do you not laugh at this?

I wonder the origins of the candid cop walk, as I have so deemed it. I believe it is a required course in police training. They fit it in somewhere between Miranda and marksmanship. I can imagine two days dedicated to Talking the Talk and Walking the Walk. You learn witty retorts to crack heads' answers and hooker come ones in the off chance you are "lucky" enough to be on an episode of Cops. The next day the captain, his wife, and some detective come in to critic and judge your walking abilities. Six hours, four bottles of water, and two sweat towels later you have your paper certificate stating you have graduated from your day course Walking the Cop Walk 101. Well, all of you except Steve who could never reach his center and would either fall over or slap himself in the face with the confusion of left leg, right arm. Poor Steve. Now that you have the basics you can continue on to the important things, like how to be a dick 24/7.

And like in Middle School gym class they separate the girl cops trainees from the boys. Girls in one room and boys in the other. Boys learn the walk emphasizing there masculinity, while girls learn the walk to fake masculinity. They have to be separated to keep the teasing down to a minimum. Girl cops can be so mean.

This explains why mall security guards are so bad at it. They don't have the luxury of a six weeks of training. No their Walking the Walk get squeezed in between "How to button your buttons" and Lunch. Their one day course doesn't allow them to fine tune their actions or even be judge by a group of their peers. They get no ticker tate parades, certificate, or celebratory ice cream for these guys, they have to get everything in before the sun goes down and Bob the janitor locks the doors. The insecurity and over compensating for lack of proper training has lead them to more of a hindrance to mall rats then help. Also when they are recruiting 17 year olds, it makes it hard not to laugh.

I know what you are thinking..."David it's the belt and all the crap they wear that makes them walk like that." Well, granted they have a regular belt, and a Batman utility belt that clips to the real belt and to the pants, and I know the belt probably weigh about 15 to 20 pounds, but I still think they would walk that way if they were as naked as the day they were born. It's that cocksure attitude that morphes their one time normal walk to a six foot male member walk. You know what I am talking about and you know I am right. Watch and see how the cops walk and then talk to them. See if the extent of the Candid Cop Walk directly correlates with how big of punk they are. And when I am right, you have to pay my bail for when I point this out the next cop who decide to give me the ole stink eye.