"It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year"

I have learned the much needed lesson of retail suicide. What in world is he talking about you might ask, (and if you don't ask that, then don't read, go to the website for the criminally boring)? Retail Suicide is what I call it when you decide to abandon the "mom and pop" stores and shop only at the Megga-Bigg-One Stop shops. But this suicide is not year round, it only starts after a certain point in the year. Christmas is what you are thinking, right? Nope much earlier than that. It begins when the first Christmas decorations, knick-knacks, and Crap hits the shelf. And this year the winner is Big Lots, with Christmas on aisle three in the middle of October. Yeah, I know it's now Dec and I am just now calling the Lots out on it, but I have been busy, and truthfully we know the "real" cluster starts the weekend before Thanksgiving. But October, I mean damn, what about, Oh I don't know, Halloween, All saints Day, veteran's Day, Thanksgiving, not to mention numerous other bank and foreign holidays? What I want to see is merchandising push for Boxing Day, or Rashasona (cause that's fun to say), or the Revolution Anniversary (Nov 20th in case you didn't know). I could sport a t-shirt saying "Down with Tea leaves Up with south of the border imported beans that determine if people have a good day or not." I mean, that's a catchy slogan. Imagine it in green or light blue or better yet, in Cream...Get it Cream? That's what I want to see. Not that I am anti Christmas. By no means is that the truth. I just don't remember a Season When I have been so busy, it is about to drive me MADDD! But I digress.

Retail Suicide. Let me play it out for you. Now part of the Retail Suicide (RS) is my own fault, and I know this, admit it, and think about changing it, but it is so much easier to complain. My first mistake happened on November 23rd. I, forgetting the next day was Thanksgiving, went to work out around 4pm. During my run I thought about what most people do when they are exercising...eating, namely what's for dinner. Well I was having a Martha Stewart moment and wanted to make a casserole with some left overs, but realized I was one ingredient short. So when they kicked me out of the gym, at 5pm, I thought I would just swing by and pick up that one item on my way home. Sweaty, cold, and in a hungry rush, I went to Brookshires. After I dodged three old ladies with full carts and two three year olds with candy induced foaming of the mouth I realized I was at a super market the night before Thanksgiving, after work had left out. My first response was, What a Dumb Butt am I, my second thought was, I really look like crap. As I winded my way from aisle to aisle, mad that I was going to have to stand in line for one item, I vowed I was not going to make that mistake again, but...

Tonight I decided to go the epitome of Cramped, bustling, Mega centers. The Tas Mahaj of retail. That's right Wal Mart. At five o'clock I hit the road to get groceries, because the are cheap and I want to spend my money on your Christmas presents. Boy, brains and timing are not my friend this time of year. Busy, yes, loud, yes, obnoxious, yes, border line ridiculous, no full out ridiculous. Fortunately I keep a well detailed layout of Walmart in my glove compartment. I know which aisles to stop at, which ones to avoid and which ones it is best to park the cart and maneuver around the people. I was able to fight in and out of there in about 45 minutes. This was only due to the fact I caught a check out line as it was opening. But, seriously, screaming kids, ugly women, men in suits fresh from work hitting on soccer moms in there work out clothes, how awful is that. It makes my skin crawl to think of all the time wasted in that Labyrinth of commerce. Maybe it's my man brain but when I go in there I not there to dally. I get in, get what I need, and get the H-E-Double hockey sticks outta there. So do as I say, not as I do, order everything you need online, have them deliver, it will be much easier on your mind and soul. Just a friendly little PSA from you neighborhood neurotic.